We all have moments where we struggle, with our job, with our life, with a partner, with loss or the boss. During those moments things seem helpless and focusing on the positive side of life and the positive events in your life is impossible. Usually there is some sort of conduit, an event or a person or two that will help you through it; sometimes in combination with the healing hand of time.But always get through it you should.
There have been a couple of people in my life over the last 6 months that have inspired me and that have woken me up from a dark moment and brought me back to life, in parts gradually and in parts suddenly and jarringly. I am guessing that they will probably feel rather uncomfortable so I won’t mention them by name but I hope that if they read this they will a) know who they are and b) understand even on a small scale the good that they have brought into my life, the change, and the drive, the thirst to discover new things. I also hope that they know that I will be eternally grateful and I hope that they will be a part of my life in some way or another for as long as I draw breath. But to get to the point and explain where I was before they came and shocked me into life and why I feel I need to write and share this.
For those of you who know me you will know that I am a rather vocal person - yes yes I can be bloody loud - I am also honest and rather shameless. I openly talk about things that make people cringe, like my sex life (or lack thereof), painful experiences, (emotionally) abusive boyfriends and so on. Many think that I am a perfectly happy and rather (un)balanced individual with the occasional down moment, what many of you don’t know is that I had very literally given up on life last year, and that I have not been a perfectly happy person in years.
2015 was a particularly horrible year for me, I had lost all hope, all desire to do anything with my life and had resigned myself to mediocrity and growing older either alone or with someone that will just do. There was no aspect of my life that I was happy with. I felt like I am worthless, incapable and on the whole a waste of space. There are particular reasons for me feeling like this however I do not wish to dwell on those and think about them too much. Suffice to say that a lot of negative things happening at once can bring anyone down.
I think my mother was the only person that knew just how unhappy I was and silently and stoically worried about me while waiting for me to figure all this shit out. As is usually the case when I am deeply unhappy I gained weight because let’s face it there is nothing more comforting than a box or two of chocolate eclairs followed by a cheese cake or/and a pint of ice cream....yes mom that was what I ate, and yes, I am deeply ashamed. That however doesn’t help one’s confidence when it is already in the gutter, and mine was six feet under. In all honesty it is still tryingto dig itself out right now.
When 2016 started with the shocking realisation that I was going to be losing my best friend, soul mate and sister to distance and serious time difference because she moved to Dhaka I experienced a quite serious moment of total dislocation. I honestly didn’t feel a thing for a moment and that was followed by very serious pain and then by an epiphany that I briefly mentioned in a previous post: Life is literally walking right by me and showing me a middle finger and laughing and I have a choice, grab it by that finger and take a ride or watch it walk away. I think I had pretty much chosen the watching it walk away part when the people mentioned above separately and yet together metaphorically slapped some sense into me.
Between them I understood the following:
- I had allowed assholes to bring me down to my knees - In different moments and different circumstances over the past year I had allowed people who barely deserve the title of “human” to make me feel worthless. I had believed a continuous and sustained attack on my skills, values, and character and I began to accept them as true. This had to stop and I had to accept who I was and learn to love me again.
- I was making excuses for why I couldn’t do things - This is taking the easy way out. It is very easy to say I can’t do this because: I have no money, I am too old, I am not fit enough...you get the picture. The thing is, all of those things are easily changed. Money can be saved, age really is a number unless you have an age related illness in which case it is still an excuse. I mean look at all the 90 year old people running marathons! And getting fit is simple, get off my fat ass!
- I was not old - that one I figured out by reading “Into Thin Air” (I also figured out just how fragile life can be and how cruel, that book is devastating but you should all read it anyway! Thanks for the recommendation person who is not named) - if 56 year old men can climb Everest then I can bloody well do anything that I want and I have a good 30-40 years to do it in! I can even have kids and still do stuff because guess what, kids have legs and also need to be entertained, plus it is good for them to see the world!
- I was not going to die alone - This is a genuine fear of mine. I unfortunately do not have many good examples of lasting relationships, and mine haven’t really been all that great, partly because of me no doubt! So the idea that I will find someone to share my life with is not one that I have a lot of confidence in. However I have the most amazing friends and family and I know they will be there with me till the end. Plus, I am clever, I cook damn well, I am funny (Aysha says so!) and am loyal so that’s gotta count for something no doubt!
- There is always someone to help - Said friends and family will pull me out of any hole I am in, and if they can’t they will come down and sit in that hole with me until I am ready to pull myself out. They will not judge, they will not say I told you so. I would like to say thanks to mom especially on this one because she has DAILY opportunities to say “I told you so” and still hasn’t! She has been there through the hardest time and has made me smile.
The result of the above epiphany? I am on my way to being healthy and fit, I have started writing again - case in point - I have a food Blog that people from all over the world seem to want to read, I have travel plans, and my friends are even more amazing every day. 2016 rocks so far, and 2017 will be even better - especially if someone decides to sponsor me for being me so I can do all those amazing things I have planned!
So watch this space because I am going to bombard you with proof of why you should NEVER make excuses of why you can’t do things and go places and try and try and try. You will fail from time to time, but that is fine because you would have failed trying!
Love you all!