No More Excuses

We all have moments where we struggle, with our job, with our life, with a partner, with loss or the boss. During those moments things seem helpless and focusing on the positive side of life and the positive events in your life is impossible. Usually there is some sort of conduit, an event or a person or two that will help you through it; sometimes in combination with the healing hand of time.But always get through it you should.

There have been a couple of people in my life over the last 6 months that have inspired me and that have woken me up from a dark moment and brought me back to life, in parts gradually and in parts suddenly and jarringly. I am guessing that they will probably feel rather uncomfortable so I won’t mention them by name but I hope that if they read this they will a) know who they are and b) understand even on a small scale the good that they have brought into my life, the change, and the drive, the thirst to discover new things. I also hope that they  know that I will be eternally grateful and I hope that they will be a part of my life in some way or another for as long as I draw breath. But to get to the point and explain where I was before they came and shocked me into life and why I feel I need to write and share this.

For those of you who know me you will know that I am a rather vocal person - yes yes I can be bloody loud - I am also honest and rather shameless. I openly talk about things that make people cringe, like my sex life (or lack thereof), painful experiences, (emotionally) abusive boyfriends and so on. Many think that I am a perfectly happy and rather (un)balanced individual with the occasional down moment, what many of you don’t know is that I had very literally given up on life last year, and that I have not been a perfectly happy person in years.  

2015 was a particularly horrible year for me, I had lost all hope, all desire to do anything with my life and had resigned myself to mediocrity and growing older either alone or with someone that will just do. There was no aspect of my life that I was happy with. I felt like I am worthless, incapable and on the whole a waste of space. There are particular reasons for me feeling like this however I do not wish to dwell on those and think about them too much. Suffice to say that a lot of negative things happening at once can bring anyone down.

I think my mother was the only person that knew just how unhappy I was and silently and stoically worried about me while waiting for me to figure all this shit out. As is usually the case when I am deeply unhappy I gained weight because let’s face it there is nothing more comforting than a box or two of chocolate eclairs followed by a cheese cake or/and a pint of ice cream....yes mom that was what I ate, and yes, I am deeply ashamed. That however doesn’t help one’s confidence when it is already in the gutter, and mine was six feet under. In all honesty it is still tryingto dig itself out right now.

When 2016 started with the shocking realisation that I was going to be losing my best friend, soul mate and sister to distance and serious time difference because she moved to Dhaka I experienced a quite serious moment of total dislocation. I honestly didn’t feel a thing for a moment and that was followed by very serious pain and then by an epiphany that I briefly mentioned in a previous post: Life is literally walking right by me and showing me a middle finger and laughing and I have a choice, grab it by that finger and take a ride or watch it walk away. I think I had pretty much chosen the watching it walk away part when the people mentioned above separately and yet together metaphorically slapped some sense into me.

Between them I understood the following:

1. I had allowed assholes to bring me down to my knees - In different moments and different circumstances over the past year I had allowed people who barely deserve the title of “human” to make me feel worthless. I had believed a continuous and sustained attack on my skills, values, and character and I began to accept them as true. This had to stop and I had to accept who I was and learn to love me again. 
   
   
2. I was making excuses for why I couldn’t do things - This is taking the easy way out. It is very easy to say I can’t do this because: I have no money, I am too old, I am not fit enough...you get the picture. The thing is, all of those things are easily changed. Money can be saved, age really is a number unless you have an age related illness in which case it is still an excuse. I mean look at all the 90 year old people running marathons! And getting fit is simple, get off my fat ass!   
   
   
3. I was not old - that one I figured out by reading “Into Thin Air” (I also figured out just how fragile life can be and how cruel, that book is devastating but you should all read it anyway! Thanks for the recommendation person who is not named)  - if 56 year old men can climb Everest then I can bloody well do anything that I want and I have a good 30-40 years to do it in! I can even have kids and still do stuff because guess what, kids have legs and also need to be entertained, plus it is good for them to see the world!  
   
   
4. I was not going to die alone - This is a genuine fear of mine. I unfortunately do not have many good examples of lasting relationships, and mine haven’t really been all that great, partly because of me no doubt! So the idea that I will find someone to share my life with is not one that I have a lot of confidence in. However I have the most amazing friends and family and I know they will be there with me till the end. Plus, I am clever, I cook damn well, I am funny (Aysha says so!) and am loyal so that’s gotta count for something no doubt!   
   
   
5. There is always someone to help - Said friends and family will pull me out of any hole I am in, and if they can’t they will come down and sit in that hole with me until I am ready to pull myself out. They will not judge, they will not say I told you so. I would like to say thanks to mom especially on this one because she has DAILY opportunities to say “I told you so” and still hasn’t! She has been there through the hardest time and has made me smile.

The result of the above epiphany? I am on my way to being healthy and fit, I have started writing again - case in point - I have a food Blog that people from all over the world seem to want to read, I have travel plans, and my friends are even more amazing every day.  2016 rocks so far, and 2017 will be even better - especially if someone decides to sponsor me for being me so I can do all those amazing things I have planned!

So watch this space because I am going to bombard you with proof of why you should NEVER make excuses of why you can’t do things and go places and try and try and try. You will fail from time to time, but that is fine because you would have failed trying! 

Love you all!

Nx

The Flying Kebab

Many of you will think that the story I am about to share with you is false or wildly exaggerated, when in reality apart from very minor changes and adjustment for the basis of better flow, it’s almost a transcript of events. I hope you enjoy it!

The Flying Kebab

“A kebab?! You must be joking!?”

“Nope.”

“From Oxford?! All the way to Dhaka, Bangladesh?!”

“Yep!”

“Is he insane!?!”

“No, more like eccentric.”

“You don’t say…!”

The incredulity and utter disbelief on my face were matched by an equal level of seriousness and worry on my sister’s face.

“How would you even transport that?!”

“I don’t know. Do you think if I freeze it and then put it in a tupperware box it will survive?”

“A 12 hour journey, and being tossed around? NO, and neither will he when he eats it! He must have a death wish.”

“No, he is just different, very nice, clever, good person, just eccentric.”

“Yeah, you already said. Just tell him NO, you are up and moving your whole life, the last thing you need is to worry about a kebab going *SPLAT* in your suitcase.” 

I honestly couldn’t believe she was considering flying a kebab from Oxford to Dhaka. It was bonkers, amusing, and genuinely kind and considerate, everything my sister is but tries to hide.  For a no nonsense kind of girl she sure was prepared to go through a lot of nonsense over the kebab, but then again she had made a promise. 

“He didn’t want anything else. I was ready to get him perfume, clothes, even jewellery but no, all he wanted was a Kebab from Kebab Kid, a mixed kebab. Are those nice?”

“No idea, I’m a burger girl. Had a chicken kebab once, it was alright.”

“Oh my God sis how am I going to get it there?!”

“I don’t know, considering I just had to sit on your suitcase to close it I don’t even know how you will get it IN the suitcase let alone to Dhaka.”

“Can you put it in the smaller case?” Our friend finally joined the conversation now that she had managed to control the giggling fit that the idea of the flying kebab had started.

“No, I am not checking that in.”

“They’ll make her throw it away at security.”

We all just looked at eachother and started laughing.

My sister was moving back home, to her family and therefore by extension my adopted family. I didn’t give them a choice on the matter. My sister and I may not have been related by blood but we had lived many lives in the past together. We had  the deep bond of two spirits that seek each other out in every life and live it together in whatever form. The decision of her departure was sudden and swift as she had got a great new job in Dhaka, and tonight was the last time that the two of us and our friend were going to be together for a little while. The flying kebab was a much needed distraction from the elephant in the room that was her leaving. She had been a rock during hard times, listened to me swoon over guys, rant over politics, and put up with my constant need to inform and educate. We had been through alot together, and now we had to get through the flying kebab, together. 

At that moment I also realised that her leaving wasn’t something we needed to get through or get over. This wasn’t a goodbye, it was an I’ll see you in September. she already had the ticket! I wasn’t losing her and she was not losing me. We will both lose many people in our lives but never eachother. As that certainty hit me it allowed me to stay calm and to laugh with them tonight. I was going to miss our shenanigans terribly but we were just going to have to organise them a bit better and in advance and maybe travel some. The world is so tiny these days that distance mattered very little, it is time you have to be careful with. For now our last shenanigan for a while was going to be the flying kebab. 

“Hey will you be keeping that or can I have it?” Our friend pointing to a portable heater snapped me back to the moment and the two of them were laughing. We had been dividing the stuff my sister wasn’t able to take back and it had turned into a joke, calling dibs on even her used shampoo and the paper towels.   

“Nah, take it.”

We continued like this the whole night and then two days later my sister had flown back to Dhaka with a frozen kebab in her suitcase. Upon her landing I got the following message:

“Hey sis, the kebab survived!”

I guess she got there in one piece too. Already can’t wait to have her back.

Bon Appetite 

A Mixed kebab - would you want one? Because We deliver - Globally ;-)

My family, my Heroes

I haven’t written one of these in a while, I could make excuses but the simple truth is that I couldn't finish a single post. Politics is all the same lies and manipulation, human rights are trampled regardless of how indignant I might feel about it, and life keeps ticking over with people focusing on their own stuff and trying to feel their way blindly through a maze of social protocols and expectations that would take the rest of my life to analyse and work on, so those stay as work in progress. With the holidays coming up though I have been thinking of my family a lot, I live 1646 miles or 2648 kilometers away from them (according to google), that is a 26h drive or a 3h flight, I see them twice a year for a week if I am lucky. This is my opportunity to share with the world why my family is amazing, why I am so lucky to have them, and how they have made me who I am today.

I am going to start with my Grandma or nana, her name is Nadejda (meaning Hope), she is 79 and one of the toughest people I know, she makes the best cakes in the world. Ever since I can remember my nana has been teaching me to cook, knit, crochet, and how to be stubborn. She has taught me the importance of always having something in case you have guests and to always treat your guests like kings. She has passed on to me her love for food and for spoiling people rotten with it. Despite her short temper and peppery tongue I love her dearly and there is nothing like walking through the door straight into her arms.

THAT Smile that we all love!

My Brother Alex, wow where do I begin. He was the sweetest most lovely little boy, always smiling, always drawing or building things. He has these big brown eyes that are so kind, but sparkle with such humour and combined with his cheeky smile people must instantly fall in love with him. He has the biggest heart, and is the most selfless man I know. If a friend of his ever needs anything Alex will give it to him, not lend, not let them borrow but give.

He has the BEST sense of humour in a human being, he tells jokes with such flare and perfect timing, being ever so slightly sarcastic and ironic in his delivery. He loves nature in an honest way.

My Brother Alex

I have not been the greatest sister, for most of his life I haven’t really been there because I live so far away, or if we were in the same place because I was too young, self absorbed and stupid to realise what a great friend I had right there next to me. Despite all the bad sister stuff that I have done - which he rightfully teases me about - I know that he always has my back and that is I was ever in need he would be there for me.

Finally my beautiful mom, Bibbi, my best friend and my soul mate.

She is a bookaholic, and its where I get my love for the written word from, she reads EVERYTHING, the day my mom stops ready is the day my world will crumble or the day we stop publishing books. She is a geek too! She reads all the techno pages and knows more about the technological trends that most young people I know, she has been reading e-books for well over 10 years so the Amazon’s Kindle wasn’t the revolutionary bit of kit in her eyes that some of us see it as. Another thing my mom has given me is my love for blankets and pyjamas! There is nothing better than being curled in on the sofa in my jimjams with my mom two books a blanket and when I was little hot chocolate, now that i am grown up its beer or wine but it serves the same purpose, reading and cuddling is thirsty work people!   

Me and my mom at my graduation 2009She is my brother’s and my biggest fan, but as our mom she has little choice in the matter. She has given me the confidence to pursue my dreams, to get up when I all I want to do is lay down. She has so much strength and beauty in her and she doesn’t even know it. Her faith in me has remained unshaken even through my most stupid decisions, and in my darkest hour she is the light that leads me back to life. She has taught me that honesty is the only way, she has always reminded me to be empathetic to other people’s problems, to be polite, considerate, and open to the difference in people. She calls me on all my bullsh*t and reminds me to look after myself. Her love has always been around me to keep me safe.  

My dear family, thank you for being who you are, for your love and your support! And to anyone that has bothered to read this far, go tell your family how much you love them, I promise you it will be the best thing you did this week!